Guest writer: Jonathan Barakat… 5 things ‘not’ to do after a break up; the male perspective;

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Break-ups are hard. End of. Whether you’re the one ending it or the one being dumped either way you can guarantee that next few weeks/months are going to be a rollercoaster ride of emotions. You’re sure to encounter the highest highs and the lowest lows which can come and go at the mention of a name, place or simply hearing a song on the radio. BUT there are some things you can do to make it easier on yourself, so heres my top 5 things NOT TO DO after a break-up.

1. Don’t post attention seeking photos on social media

Although you might be going out more and having a good time to ‘drown your sorrows’ which isn’t always the wrong thing to do. If you’re going out of your way to post, in the hope that they will see you’re having a great time without them and feel jealous or angry you’re still thinking about them and they will know that. Not to mention all of your other followers seeing your reckless behaviour and potentially judging.

2. Don’t jump straight onto dating apps

You can guarantee all of your friends are going to be encouraging you to ‘get back on the horse’ and to ‘not give up on love’. Even though I happen to agree with this, maybe the next day/week is a bit too soon. Give yourself time to hurt and heal. if you don’t you’re only prolonging the agony.

3. Don’t keep contacting them

If they ended it then for whatever reason, he’s made his decision. Chasing and grovelling never got anyone anywhere and question whether you would actually want them to take you back out of pity. Remember though its hard, if they wanted you back they would call. They have got your number.

4. Don’t get over them by getting under someone

Some people think this is one of the best ways to cure heart break but I couldn’t think of anything more ridiculous. You’re upset, vulnerable and your judgement is definitely going to be impaired. Don’t do something you’ll later regret, focus on yourself and not other people. Also not to mention sleeping with someone ends all chances of reconciliation and is the final nail in the coffin.

5. Don’t stalk their social profiles

This includes getting your friends to check up on him and report back. Don’t forget that curiosity killed the cat. If its over it’s over and you have no right to be annoyed about who they’re hanging out with or talking to. Just be thankful that they had the decency to end your relationship before moving on rather than doing it behind your back.

So there you have them, my top 5 things to avoid doing when going through a break up. No one by any stretch of the imagination is saying it’s going to be easy but following these 5 steps will definitely make it easier and have you moving on much quicker.

“Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars” – Violeta Para

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5 things ‘not’ to do after a break up;

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Lots of us feel heart-broken after a break up and this can often have a very odd effect on us women and make us act out of the ordinary. However, in our vulnerable state we think that acting this way will result in him changing his mind and having the fairy-tale ending that you always dreamed of. In reality all you are doing is confirming that he made the right choice to end things…

 

  1. Don’t keep contacting him

Stop messaging him all the time. He doesn’t want you grovelling at the end of the phone. He has made his decision and you should respect that. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? All you are going to do is annoy him to the point that he will stop replying or even ‘block’ you.

 

  1. Don’t stalk his social media

You won’t like what you find. If you’ve just broken up I doubt you are going to see that he changed his profile photo to a lovely one of you both from your last summer holiday, or that he’s tagged you in a ‘couple goals meme’. Chances are he’s changed his relationship status to single which isn’t going to make you feel good when you see this or he hasn’t been on social media at all, in which you are wasting your time looking. If you do find anything you ‘will’ read into it. His best ‘girl mate’ tags him in something and suddenly you make up this whole story in your head of how they have been sleeping together behind your back. Save yourself the trouble and ‘stop stalking him’ and every girl that he speaks to!

 

  1. Don’t post about it on your social media

No one wants to see how depressed you are after a break up. The friends that you need around you will already be there. All you are doing is ruining a potential future relationship; other guys will see this and will be put off instead of taking an interest that you’re newly single. Obviously at this point you ‘don’t want anyone else’ but months down the line you’ll regret all the depressing social media posts. Instead, post all the exciting adventurous things that are happening in your life, don’t make it obvious but show him what he’s missing. If he still doesn’t come back then clearly he isn’t ‘the one’.

 

  1. Don’t speak to his friends

They don’t want you grovelling either. He will just get annoyed when he hears you have done this. And yes… they will tell him. Remember the ‘Bro Code’!

 

  1. Don’t turn up to places you know he is

If he wanted to see you he would make this happen. By turning up to places that he is, whether that be the pub, a club, or a mutual friends BBQ, you will just make it awkward for you, him, and all others that know you both. Maybe in the future when things have settled, it may be OK that you bump into each other every now and then, but right now avoid these situations! Seeing him will only upset you more and then when you leave all you’ll want to do is message him, then the whole cycle starts all over again.

 

So there you go. Deep down we all know this is true, but still most of us act in this way. If you have the will power, save yourself the hurt. Look at the positives; you’re no longer wasting your time on him and can now move forward with your life. If you’re meant to be together you will find your way eventually. But for now enjoy being single.

 

‘Don’t be the psycho ex, be the one who got away…’

The Chase;

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No one wants a man that is too keen. Or do we?

Don’t we all dream about a man who buys us flowers and surprises us with dinners or weekends away? Or even just the small things, like taking an interest into how your day was, or kissing when you pass through a kissing gate on an afternoon stroll. Maybe when you’re in a relationship with him, but if he does this too early most of us lose interest. This is because there is no ‘chase’.

Now stereotypically it’s the man that likes the chase, he doesn’t want you to fall in love with him straight away and become all gushy. This is when he starts reading your messages and not replying for hours on end, or even worse not replying at all, or even worse still, you end up being ‘blocked’. But us women are probably more like men then we think… Well, in this instance. Unless you are absolutely desperate in which case you’ll settle for any man that will have you. Believe it or not, women like a bit of a chase as well.

5 years down the line when you are ‘still’ in your ‘long term relationship’ you will be thankful that he didn’t smother you in the beginning and that ‘you’ on the other hand made him graft.

Yes most people don’t like ‘playing games’, however when he no longer texts you back you will have wished you played along…

Seeing each other;

imageWhat is seeing each other? We all come across this stage before entering into the official stage, but what exactly does seeing each other entail?

So you’ve been on a few dates and are both into one another but it’s too soon to be in a full blown relationship, so you start ‘seeing each other’. But what are the rules? Is this just a less scary word than ‘relationship’? Or is this another stage of dating?…

Are you allowed to see other people? If so, does this mean you can get away with getting with someone else? ‘It’s not cheating as we’re not together’. Who’s heard that before? Surely if you’re into someone enough to start seeing them you wouldn’t be looking else where.

Maybe it’s just a new word for dating because dating someone sounds weird for our generation. Supposedly it’s a way of showing each other that you’re keen to be together but without being too keen that he backs off.

That brings us to a whole new topic… ‘The Chase’

Friends with benefits;

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Is this actually achievable? Maybe for him, but you will more often than not get attached. But still we convince ourselves that we won’t, and then continue to go through with it and end up getting hurt. And what is the point? For what? To feel wanted for a few hours only to be left feeling worse than you did before? Because really, he doesn’t want you. He’s just wants to get off.

How many times have you lied and said you were ‘on the same page’ because if he knew how you really felt he would back off? You’re too scared that he won’t want to see you if he knew you had feelings for him. Well guess what? Regardless of how much you love or care about him, he’s still using you.

Friends with benefits usually ends in someone getting hurt (usually you); or alternatively you end up in a relationship. Which probably isn’t a bad thing, but still defeats the whole ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. So is this really a thing anymore? How many of us can actually make this work? Or do we settle for this arrangement because we can’t work out what we actually want? We feel too young for commitment but every now and then feel lonely so feel the need to have someone to ‘booty call’.

But unless you’re Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, is it really with it?…

 

Unfinished Business;

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This generally comes from a relationship where there was no closure. A relationship that ended early. A relationship that for whatever reason you didn’t let run its course. Now this could be for many reasons, for example you were no longer on the same path as your partner and you decided to go separate ways, you got too comfortable and didn’t know how to get the spark back, or maybe for some reason you thought it was too late and lost the motivation to fight for one another.

But how do you know when there is unfinished business? If there is, you will know, and you will probably realise this at a very inconvenient time for example when he is in a new relationship or maybe even later down the line when his current relationship gets rocky. You know this because you find him accidentally liking old photos on your ‘Instagram’ when you thought you were blocked because his girlfriend was so insecure that she made him block you from all form of contact. ‘That’ is another hint that there may be unfinished business between you two; when his current girlfriend doesn’t trust him to be civil with you because even she knows that deep down he still loves you. When he leaves subtle hints to let you know that he still thinks of you. ‘Insert name here’ viewed your Linked In profile, ‘Insert name here’ liked a memory from 2010, but when you then go to click on his profile you find you are still blocked.

Do you wait around for him to come back into your life? Who says that he ever will? Or do you convince yourself that enough is enough and try to move on without ever getting the closure that you desired? Sometimes the time apart is what in the end brings you back together. If you’re meant to be together then you’ll end up back on the same path even if once upon a time you diverted from that.

Trust your instincts and if you truly believe that there is more to be had with this person make this known to them. Yes, everyone is forever telling us that we are so young and have our whole lives ahead of us, but if you don’t either make it work, or on the other hand get closure,  then how will you ever truly move on.

If you are true soul-mates you will find your way back together…

Blocked;

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Have you ever been blocked? Whether this be an ex boyfriend, a guy you had been seeing or are currently dating, being blocked is most definitely the worst feeling. Especially if you’re not the psycho type that is texting too frequently and won’t leave him alone.

In the case of being blocked, what can you do? There isn’t much you ‘can’ do other than get on with you’re life, move forward, don’t look back and try not to dwell on it.

Obviously you have been blocked for a reason, either because you were too clingy or they just weren’t into you and have a harsh way of showing it. You will probably never find out why you’ve been subjected to this cruel reality, but whatever that reason is, they have actively made a choice to not be contacted by you… It is probably best to leave it that way and not turn up on their doorstep looking for answers. If you find yourself stood outside his house, that’s when you know that you ‘are’ the psycho ex and now have the answers to your questions and should turn around and get back in your car and drive away.

Being blocked can be very upsetting especially if it’s someone you care deeply for or someone you have spent years of your time investing in your relationship with. Keep busy, do things that make you feel good, go for a run, read a book, go for drinks with your girlfriends. You will find the right man eventually, you just have to persevere.

‘What comes easy isn’t worth having, what is worth having doesn’t come easy’…

 

How do you end the date?;

Isn’t this the question we all wish we knew the answer to? Unless you’ve already made a run for it because it was that terrible that you’ve already blocked his number before you’ve even made it out the door. Well let’s hope that this isn’t the case, however you always need a get out of jail free card to avoid being rude. This normally consists of a girlfriend texting you approximately 45 minutes to an hour  into the date telling you that her dog has died. If it’s going well, you can either ignore this or respond with how amazingly hot he is in real life and that you want to marry the guy and make beautiful babies. If however you’re really ‘not’ feeling it, you have an excuse to call your girlfriend, who is now in such a state that you ‘have’ to  leave to go and comfort her. Let’s be honest, he won’t actually believe this but at least he now knows that you’re not into him so you can both let it ‘fizzle out’ or just never speak  again.

How many frogs must you kiss before you meet your prince?…

Now  this is the real question. To kiss or not to kiss? If the answer is kiss, then this poses even more questions and it just gets so complicated, that thinking about how to end the date takes you back to the beginning, finding excuses to get out of going in the first place. So what is the answer? Sometimes, a kiss is less awkward then not kissing. You avoid the awkward hug or kiss on the cheek; although if you know for sure that you don’t want to kiss, then showing him your cheek as you go in for the hug is often the way to go. DO NOT pat him on the back, that is just patronising!  If you choose to kiss then don’t use tongues; ‘too much too soon’ springs to mind. But what happens after the kiss takes place? What do you say? Who speaks first? What about  if you kiss, say goodbye, but then both walk in the same direction? #awkward.

The only thing to be certain of, is when the date is over, you will wait for him to text you first…

If not the cinema, then where?;

Straining your neck because the only seats left were in the front row, air conditioning freezing your arse off, listening to the sound of others fingering their bag of sweets; these are a few of many reasons why the cinema is the worst first date imaginable; you also haven’t made conversation for approximately 2 hours, whilst you’ve been sat wondering whether the date is going well and therefore totally forgetting to follow the story line of the movie.

So if not the cinema then where should you go?

Nothing to strenuous, don’t let him take you rock climbing or ice skating; this is a dangerous move when you don’t know one another that well. Just imagine planting your face into cold, hard ice after your feet escape from beneath you.

What about dinner? This also has the potential to be awkward, what might he be thinking when you order a bottle of wine with a straw because you forget you’re on a date and go for your usual mid week drink.

With this in mind, your best bet would be, evening drinks out; somewhere with a good vibe. Conversation easy (avoiding the awkward silences),  drinks flowing, but careful to not get carried away and call ‘shot o’clock’ on the hour because you’ve had one too many; remember this is your first encounter… First impressions matter!

Although he may come across as an alpha male, he is probably just as nervous as you, don’t try too hard or force conversation. If he is ‘the one’ this will all happen naturally. And whatever you do… You MUST go home alone.

‘Easy’ isn’t attractive…

Be available but unavailable;

Be available but unavailable… Another strange concept that gets thrown around as advice these days. But what does it mean?

This depends on who is asking. If your girlfriends ask you on a girly lunch date or a weekend spa retreat then yes be available. If your love interest asks to take you on a date (if by this point you even have one) then you are most definitely unavailable doing things with your friends who are obviously more important. This is because for our generation, being eager doesn’t score you a 10 on a mans unrealistic scale of a woman.

So how do you then make any progress what-so-ever if you’re always unavailable? They key is to set a date. And not this weekend because obviously you already have plans but choose a date in the near future and put it in your diary. This gives you both something to look forward to. And just some useful advice… If you want to have an enjoyable first date DO NOT go to the cinema…